April 2nd.....

Well, I made it to April....amazing. It's been a rough haul for me from Dec thru now. Sucks. I fell off my wagon. The noise in my head just got to be too much and I caved. So now here I am and I really don't have a reason or motivation to come up out of this rabbit hole. Like now, it'a 8:15am....morning again; and again no sleep last night. I sleep so little now. But I do lay there and stare at the ceiling, the screen or your picture that I keep. I sit alone and watch the crimsom flags, hear the bellringers, then the woosh of that train as the blood races through my brain and I get just close enough to dying, again. Yes, I sit and scare myself to death sometimes, it's a game of just how close can you get to that edge. My throat closes quickly, I suck my breath thru gritted teeth that ache from the pressure that I put on them to avert my attention from the stick and twist as I bring on the pain. I jerk and twitch, getting up to pace a bit...fuck, am I going to die now? Then the bellringer turns to a wooshing in my ears, and I realize that I did it again. I lived. So I load the barrel once more...and do it again.

This is just stupid. Why the hell do we choose to live so fucking miserably? I just don't get it. If you can get another chance, why not at least check it out...No, I'm fucking forced to continue to try to let it go....for fucking what reason??? To live miserably and yearning? Hell, I am flesh and bone, and mistakes are a daily thing...perfection I am not...but I sooo want to try once more. I waited this out and tried to go on, but it hasn't worked for me...could it be working for her? I learned that I don't care if I have to live in my fucking car, because nothing in life is worth more than that true love that I keep in my heart...for that I'd give anything---hell, I'd give it all.

Yeah, I guess I am on a self-destruction mission. Why the hell not? What have I got to stick around for anymore? Other than feeling bad that my dog won't understand, I'm all set with this bullshit. I have finally hit that wall again, and the only thing in this world that I want and that can take away bring down the flags is sooo fucking far away, in more ways than one.....