Thursday, August 5, 2010

You sense I’m coming round

Lately, nowhere to be found

But my steps coming near

And only your ears shall hear

As I knock upon your door

Feet floating across the floor

You answer in a gown so white

Visions of power at midnight

Let me in to be with you

Erasing your mood so blue

Let me take you into my arms

And work my magic charms

As I force you to the floor

Kicking closed that old door

And you stare straight up at me

I want to be all you can see

Sweet eyes pleading for more

Pleasure yearning to be free

Our unbroken silence is golden

It is you that I am now holding

Your fear of me subsides

Stars reflecting in your eyes

As I revel in your scent

My mind twisted and bent

I make you beg for more

Friday, April 2, 2010

April 2nd.....

Well, I made it to April....amazing. It's been a rough haul for me from Dec thru now. Sucks. I fell off my wagon. The noise in my head just got to be too much and I caved. So now here I am and I really don't have a reason or motivation to come up out of this rabbit hole. Like now, it'a 8:15am....morning again; and again no sleep last night. I sleep so little now. But I do lay there and stare at the ceiling, the screen or your picture that I keep. I sit alone and watch the crimsom flags, hear the bellringers, then the woosh of that train as the blood races through my brain and I get just close enough to dying, again. Yes, I sit and scare myself to death sometimes, it's a game of just how close can you get to that edge. My throat closes quickly, I suck my breath thru gritted teeth that ache from the pressure that I put on them to avert my attention from the stick and twist as I bring on the pain. I jerk and twitch, getting up to pace a bit...fuck, am I going to die now? Then the bellringer turns to a wooshing in my ears, and I realize that I did it again. I lived. So I load the barrel once more...and do it again.

This is just stupid. Why the hell do we choose to live so fucking miserably? I just don't get it. If you can get another chance, why not at least check it out...No, I'm fucking forced to continue to try to let it go....for fucking what reason??? To live miserably and yearning? Hell, I am flesh and bone, and mistakes are a daily thing...perfection I am not...but I sooo want to try once more. I waited this out and tried to go on, but it hasn't worked for me...could it be working for her? I learned that I don't care if I have to live in my fucking car, because nothing in life is worth more than that true love that I keep in my heart...for that I'd give anything---hell, I'd give it all.

Yeah, I guess I am on a self-destruction mission. Why the hell not? What have I got to stick around for anymore? Other than feeling bad that my dog won't understand, I'm all set with this bullshit. I have finally hit that wall again, and the only thing in this world that I want and that can take away bring down the flags is sooo fucking far away, in more ways than one.....
I've lost my good time
Walked right away
Now those red flags fly
Once again.

I seriously hate this
Going down the rabbit hole
Laughing at my foolish
Thoughts that I will stop.

The train in my ears
Bellringers in my head.
But this seems to be
The only thing that stops...

It all.

Monday, January 25, 2010


You stoke the fire in my heart

Each and every damn day

Even after year & half apart

Whatever can I even say.

You touched me deep and true

Peeled away at my rough veneer

Touching reserved for only you

Melting me when you were near

So, I look not to recover lost moments

But only to see those ahead

Those not happened yet in this life

That keep me hanging by a thread

I’ve lived my life far, far too long

By the opinion of others; their ideal

To hear their version of what is wrong

But they do not know what I feel.

Now is time for me to take my own

To stand once again upon my pride

Before chances all are totally blown

For from you, never again shall I hide.

I stand virtually before you now

With heart in hands and on sleeve

Caring deeply for you, this I vow

For never did I ever really leave.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Like a ghost in the night
I still see you somtimes
Close to me
I hear your breath
Smell your skin
But never does the apparition
Come to me

When I spread my arms
Open my heart
I just end up broken again
On my knees
Begging God to turn back time
To give us another chance
Just this once

How can I undo what I have done
Wipe away stinging tears
From my face and yours alike
And confess to you my lies
So that we could
Rekindle our love and passion
In deeper ways

To once again be happy in love
With each other.

Head Banging...

I wanna beat my damned head against the wall. This game of dating; the butch-femme dance, whatever you want to call it these days, is just driving me over the edge.

Having, a few months ago, ended the dance with a young femme from down south, things are a bit jumbled in this butch's brain these days. She haunts me with what "I" did wrong, how I hurt her and I am just stumped at her inability to understand the butch persona and the butch personality, especially my personality. It's a hard thing for an old school butch to date a younger, less experienced femme these days. They just don't get it at all.

I'm butch. I'm rough around the edges, as they say, and can be tender and caring. I'm a gentlebutch to the core, I like to treat my woman good and with respect. but I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve; to be emotionally expressive or let my inner feelings, fears and struggles out in the open for anyone to see. I've always been like this, and I never had to explain it...never was with a woman who didn't understand that this is just part of the butch persona, that perhaps I think more like a guy in these respects. But this damned youngster about drove me over the edge with demands for sensitivity and emotional shit. At which, I failed miserably.

This butch wants to "fix" every damned thing. I despise that I could not figure out how to get through to this woman; am perplexed by her inability to understand or leave room for understanding. Then it dawned on me, through the words of an understanding femme friend, that this young woman was just too young and inexperienced to understand or even comprehend the old fashioned, old school butch that I am.

It was only a fleeting affair; something to fill the time and void left by my past. But still, one would wish that in the end that knowing you did the best you could by someone, perhaps even doing far beyond the best, would be enough to just sustain one to move on. But no, she must torment me with reminders of my slip ups, my mistakes, my inability to show emotion and recognize femme expression....hell, I have trouble telling when the damned dog needs to go outside, how the hell am I supposed to read some troubled femme's damned mind?

Ah, in the end it's good riddance anyway, she was just wasting my time. Her lack of understanding of the butch-femme dynamic; of the dance and it's intricacies was something it would have taken me years to teach her and would have brought me even more frustration. And I'm too old to be teaching some young piece something she should be learning from other femmes and is just too lazy to figure out.

Think I'll stick to the older, more experienced ladies from now on...or perhaps just continue to sit with the fact that I had what I wanted once, before her, and the beautiful memories of that could probably sustain me for a very long time to come.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

When Butches Cry...

When butches cry
They weep, they wail
They gnash their teeth
and moan.

Stong woman's pain
It's just the same
Except it's mostly done

by Bonni Barringer

I just really like this...I find it so freaking true. Alone is always how I've chosen to handle my hardships; my emotions and sentiments. Alone I came into this world, and alone I walk my walk every damned day. And I'm okay with that really, it's not so bad. I enjoy being alone, if I can't be with that one woman that I gave my heart to completely then I am okay with just going it alone. I chose this path, I ran in fear, I hid in a lie and thus I deserve to go it alone, right?

They say that mistakes are the universe's spankings for getting it wrong. And the pain that goes with a mistake is the universe's way of saying don't do it again.

So now I sit here, almost a year and a half later and it's no easier than that day I spewed the fucked up lie to her and crushed our love. I still miss her every damned day. I wish I hadn't told her the lie, or acted so stupidly. I really wanted nothing more than her love and devotion....but I got fucking scared and I bolted. I made up a story about seeing someone else...well, there was someone else eventually, but not the way I laid it out to her or her friends...I don't know why I needed her to hate me so at that moment, perhaps so she could let go and go back to her security spot, where I knew she would be safe and secure. Dammit, I should have sucked up my fears and married that woman.

I sit in this little cottage on the coast of Maine...I dream of her and how she would have liked it here, near the ocean; the beaches and their vast expanse. She talked about wanting to live one day in a place like this...I only wish it were her here sharing these moments by the fire with me. Instead I choose to sit alone, not answering the phone, not reaching for anyone anymore. I push away the advances of others who want to fill "her" spot, not wanting to get to close to anyone ever again, lest she decide to let me back in one day....*sigh*

Did you ever do something so so so stupid that you just end up kicking yourself in the head daily forever? That's what I did. And God help me, I only wish I could have 15 minutes to talk to her and let her know that I still love her so deeply, and I just wish for another chance to prove it to her. I have such a difficult time just letting go of the feelings that I still have for her; those strong passionate gut sensations that slam me every time I see her picture looking back at me.

I am guarded who I let know how I feel....perhaps due to the shame of having done what I did. I once wrote her a letter explaining it all...which she promptly returned to me, unopened. The only person who I confided in about this says don't give up, if I love her that much and it was truly as good as I said it was, then keep fighting, keep trying. So I got brave today and sent her a short comment on her blog...I pray she will respond to me.

Life is too long for living in misery, and too short for wasting. I want to fight for what is right; for what felt soooo right in my heart and soul with her. If only I could have one chance...