You sense I’m coming round

Lately, nowhere to be found

But my steps coming near

And only your ears shall hear

As I knock upon your door

Feet floating across the floor

You answer in a gown so white

Visions of power at midnight

Let me in to be with you

Erasing your mood so blue

Let me take you into my arms

And work my magic charms

As I force you to the floor

Kicking closed that old door

And you stare straight up at me

I want to be all you can see

Sweet eyes pleading for more

Pleasure yearning to be free

Our unbroken silence is golden

It is you that I am now holding

Your fear of me subsides

Stars reflecting in your eyes

As I revel in your scent

My mind twisted and bent

I make you beg for more

April 2nd.....

Well, I made it to April....amazing. It's been a rough haul for me from Dec thru now. Sucks. I fell off my wagon. The noise in my head just got to be too much and I caved. So now here I am and I really don't have a reason or motivation to come up out of this rabbit hole. Like now, it'a 8:15am....morning again; and again no sleep last night. I sleep so little now. But I do lay there and stare at the ceiling, the screen or your picture that I keep. I sit alone and watch the crimsom flags, hear the bellringers, then the woosh of that train as the blood races through my brain and I get just close enough to dying, again. Yes, I sit and scare myself to death sometimes, it's a game of just how close can you get to that edge. My throat closes quickly, I suck my breath thru gritted teeth that ache from the pressure that I put on them to avert my attention from the stick and twist as I bring on the pain. I jerk and twitch, getting up to pace a bit...fuck, am I going to die now? Then the bellringer turns to a wooshing in my ears, and I realize that I did it again. I lived. So I load the barrel once more...and do it again.

This is just stupid. Why the hell do we choose to live so fucking miserably? I just don't get it. If you can get another chance, why not at least check it out...No, I'm fucking forced to continue to try to let it go....for fucking what reason??? To live miserably and yearning? Hell, I am flesh and bone, and mistakes are a daily thing...perfection I am not...but I sooo want to try once more. I waited this out and tried to go on, but it hasn't worked for me...could it be working for her? I learned that I don't care if I have to live in my fucking car, because nothing in life is worth more than that true love that I keep in my heart...for that I'd give anything---hell, I'd give it all.

Yeah, I guess I am on a self-destruction mission. Why the hell not? What have I got to stick around for anymore? Other than feeling bad that my dog won't understand, I'm all set with this bullshit. I have finally hit that wall again, and the only thing in this world that I want and that can take away bring down the flags is sooo fucking far away, in more ways than one.....

I've lost my good time
Walked right away
Now those red flags fly
Once again.

I seriously hate this
Going down the rabbit hole
Laughing at my foolish
Thoughts that I will stop.

The train in my ears
Bellringers in my head.
But this seems to be
The only thing that stops...

It all.

Virtually

You stoke the fire in my heart

Each and every damn day

Even after year & half apart

Whatever can I even say.

You touched me deep and true

Peeled away at my rough veneer

Touching reserved for only you

Melting me when you were near

So, I look not to recover lost moments

But only to see those ahead

Those not happened yet in this life

That keep me hanging by a thread

I’ve lived my life far, far too long

By the opinion of others; their ideal

To hear their version of what is wrong

But they do not know what I feel.

Now is time for me to take my own

To stand once again upon my pride

Before chances all are totally blown

For from you, never again shall I hide.

I stand virtually before you now

With heart in hands and on sleeve

Caring deeply for you, this I vow

For never did I ever really leave.

Apparition

Like a ghost in the night

I still see you somtimes

Close to me

I hear your breath

Smell your skin

But never does the apparition

Come to me

When I spread my arms

Open my heart

I just end up broken again

On my knees

Begging God to turn back time

To give us another chance

Just this once

How can I undo what I have done

Wipe away stinging tears

From my face and yours alike

And confess to you my lies

So that we could

Rekindle our love and passion

In deeper ways

To once again be happy in love

With each other.

Head Banging...

I wanna beat my damned head against the wall. This game of dating; the butch-femme dance, whatever you want to call it these days, is just driving me over the edge.

Having, a few months ago, ended the dance with a young femme from down south, things are a bit jumbled in this butch's brain these days. She haunts me with what "I" did wrong, how I hurt her and I am just stumped at her inability to understand the butch persona and the butch personality, especially my personality. It's a hard thing for an old school butch to date a younger, less experienced femme these days. They just don't get it at all.

I'm butch. I'm rough around the edges, as they say, and can be tender and caring. I'm a gentlebutch to the core, I like to treat my woman good and with respect. but I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve; to be emotionally expressive or let my inner feelings, fears and struggles out in the open for anyone to see. I've always been like this, and I never had to explain it...never was with a woman who didn't understand that this is just part of the butch persona, that perhaps I think more like a guy in these respects. But this damned youngster about drove me over the edge with demands for sensitivity and emotional shit. At which, I failed miserably.

This butch wants to "fix" every damned thing. I despise that I could not figure out how to get through to this woman; am perplexed by her inability to understand or leave room for understanding. Then it dawned on me, through the words of an understanding femme friend, that this young woman was just too young and inexperienced to understand or even comprehend the old fashioned, old school butch that I am.

It was only a fleeting affair; something to fill the time and void left by my past. But still, one would wish that in the end that knowing you did the best you could by someone, perhaps even doing far beyond the best, would be enough to just sustain one to move on. But no, she must torment me with reminders of my slip ups, my mistakes, my inability to show emotion and recognize femme expression....hell, I have trouble telling when the damned dog needs to go outside, how the hell am I supposed to read some troubled femme's damned mind?

Ah, in the end it's good riddance anyway, she was just wasting my time. Her lack of understanding of the butch-femme dynamic; of the dance and it's intricacies was something it would have taken me years to teach her and would have brought me even more frustration. And I'm too old to be teaching some young piece something she should be learning from other femmes and is just too lazy to figure out.

Think I'll stick to the older, more experienced ladies from now on...or perhaps just continue to sit with the fact that I had what I wanted once, before her, and the beautiful memories of that could probably sustain me for a very long time to come.

When Butches Cry...

When butches cry

They weep, they wail

They gnash their teeth

and moan.

Stong woman's pain

It's just the same

Except it's mostly done

Alone.

by Bonni Barringer

I just really like this...I find it so freaking true. Alone is always how I've chosen to handle my hardships; my emotions and sentiments. Alone I came into this world, and alone I walk my walk every damned day. And I'm okay with that really, it's not so bad. I enjoy being alone, if I can't be with that one woman that I gave my heart to completely then I am okay with just going it alone. I chose this path, I ran in fear, I hid in a lie and thus I deserve to go it alone, right?

They say that mistakes are the universe's spankings for getting it wrong. And the pain that goes with a mistake is the universe's way of saying don't do it again.

So now I sit here, almost a year and a half later and it's no easier than that day I spewed the fucked up lie to her and crushed our love. I still miss her every damned day. I wish I hadn't told her the lie, or acted so stupidly. I really wanted nothing more than her love and devotion....but I got fucking scared and I bolted. I made up a story about seeing someone else...well, there was someone else eventually, but not the way I laid it out to her or her friends...I don't know why I needed her to hate me so at that moment, perhaps so she could let go and go back to her security spot, where I knew she would be safe and secure. Dammit, I should have sucked up my fears and married that woman.

I sit in this little cottage on the coast of Maine...I dream of her and how she would have liked it here, near the ocean; the beaches and their vast expanse. She talked about wanting to live one day in a place like this...I only wish it were her here sharing these moments by the fire with me. Instead I choose to sit alone, not answering the phone, not reaching for anyone anymore. I push away the advances of others who want to fill "her" spot, not wanting to get to close to anyone ever again, lest she decide to let me back in one day....*sigh*

Did you ever do something so so so stupid that you just end up kicking yourself in the head daily forever? That's what I did. And God help me, I only wish I could have 15 minutes to talk to her and let her know that I still love her so deeply, and I just wish for another chance to prove it to her. I have such a difficult time just letting go of the feelings that I still have for her; those strong passionate gut sensations that slam me every time I see her picture looking back at me.

I am guarded who I let know how I feel....perhaps due to the shame of having done what I did. I once wrote her a letter explaining it all...which she promptly returned to me, unopened. The only person who I confided in about this says don't give up, if I love her that much and it was truly as good as I said it was, then keep fighting, keep trying. So I got brave today and sent her a short comment on her blog...I pray she will respond to me.

Life is too long for living in misery, and too short for wasting. I want to fight for what is right; for what felt soooo right in my heart and soul with her. If only I could have one chance...

Hearts on Trees....

My heart twists and turns

Thoughts of you continually return

Never felt a love like ours before

The scorch of your nails down my back

Your smells intoxicate me to this day

Melting into your kisses and touches; bites

Craving your body and your spirit

You rode me hard and long Baby

And never left me wanting for more

But it’s more I want of your touch

More I want of you and you alone

I wish I could undo what I have done

To call you back to me would only be

A dream from which I would

Never

Wish to wake

Darling, can’t you hear me breathe

At night in your vivid dreams

Of you and I on our wooded walk

Carving names and hearts on trees

Hear my breath upon your skin

Silky smooth, beaded with moisture

From passionate love and desire

Such I have never ever felt before

Or since.

My 2009 Sucked...

2010 starts off with me reflecting on what a crappy year 2009 was for me. I sure am glad it's over and behind me for sure. The biggest issue with 2009 was the girl I was dating....man, she really took me for a ride and a half. I had been with her on and off since July 2008, right after I got stupid and let Amy get away....oh, but that's another story altogether, and what a dumb-ass move.

Anyway, this girl - I don't even call her a woman, she's only 22 now and still growing up - really put me through the ringer in so many ways. She was the hardest damned person to make happy in the world. Nothing satisfied her, nothing seemed to please her and she just didn't seem to enjoy life at all. She brought me down, I fought my depression with her terrible. She was depressing! Looking back, now that we are really through, is really eye opening. When she was IN my life I couldn't put my finger on things, but now that I've had some space to reflect and think, I can see exactly what was going on for me, and with her. She was probably one of the most negative people I will ever allow into my life. She had a rough upbringing and it affected her tremendously, and it affects how she treats other people. She doesn't know how to appreciate others, or show them she respects them, or loves them properly. I thought it was me, but I am now seeing it was mostly her issues all along. And talk about a liar....this girl could lie like no other. She perpetuated the relationship with me on lies and it ended in lies. and it's really too bad too, I could have pictured myself settling down with this girl and building a nice life, with many of the things she wanted as well as things I wanted. And I did love her...I admit that, I loved her very much.

But I have to say....I've been through the ringer of love over the last 3 years. I've been through so much related to love and relationships that it could fill a damned book. I left my relationship of 14 years, met the most wonderful woman on earth, fucked that relationship up, and got involved with little miss liar. The whole roller coaster was just not fun. I am still pissed at myself for some of what I did, especially in leaving Miss Utah....she was my one true love in all of this mess. I wish there was some way that God would bring her back into my life...but I am not going to be counting on it. So...on life goes...on love goes....and on I go...

Yeah, 2009 was right in the damned end of this roller coaster ride. Finally in December I had had enough of Miss Liar and sent her on her way back south. I just couldn't take it anymore. The juvenile behavior, the immaturity, the lies and deceit and the low self-confidence that seemingly kept her unemployed and in her pajamas most of the time. The whole damned package stunk like trash. I feel that she used, abused and manipulated me for her own purposes. She didn't know what to do with herself; she didn't seem to know right from wrong sometimes. She definitely didn't know what love, devotion and commitment were about - although she claimed to be some sort of know it all sometimes...but weren't we all like that as young 20 somethings? I just have to laugh, because I know that we were. We thought we had the world by the ass and that we knew everything....at least until we turned mid-twenties and realized that we were wrong and we had much, much to learn.

I busted my ass in 2009 to make sure things were paid for, that we had housing - although we did end up moving 3 fucking times - and we had the things we needed and wanted. She worked a total of like 6-8 weeks the whole year....amazing. Yet she could never seem to find it in her heart to be appreciative of what I did for us, for her, to keep us afloat. I think it was only because she had no where else to turn for help that she came back here (from Florida) the last time she took off. She needed help making her car payments and her insurance and she needed a place to live and loaf around, so she came back to me because she knew I loved her and would make her comfortable. I was stupid to do what I did, going to Florida to drive back here with her. I thought she wanted to be with me, but then I hear "no I'm not sure what I want"...and she starts talking to the Florida chick again, and things just fall apart from there. Yeah, she was a real piece of work, she was.

I am happy to be rid of her now. Things are much easier on me. I can take care of myself. She had to move back to her parents....which is just fucking sad. She's a grown woman and should grow up and realize it. She needs to learn - or teach herself - about obligation and responsibility. She left me with debts, and thinks that she owes me nothing. I have written it off, chalked it up to experience and I know she'll never acknowledge that she owes me anything. I just have to understand that I got used and walked on, that she was too young to give me the love of a woman, and that she's too confused in herself and her own identity to give herself fully to another person in any relationship. It wasn't my fault, I did what I could do, she just wasn't the right woman for me.

Life in 2010 shall be much better. I learned lessons in '09 that will make '10 a breeze. I'll have more fun, I'll have more laughter, more love and more of everything if I just focus on me for a change. Sure, there's another woman interested in me, but I don't want to dive into anything - especially a new committed relationship - with anyone right now. I need to spend the time to myself and get to know myself again - without a girlfriend. And the freedom that not having a full time girlfriend brings is really refreshing. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want and no one can bitch!

I'm going to spend a lot more time writing. A lot more time riding my motorcycle and exploring the countryside. I would love to reconnect with some people, perhaps Miss Utah will find it in her heart this year to contact me and let me explain what happened for me that I had to leave her like I did. I never did tell her the real story, or any of the truth. I did it that way to just let her get through the hurt all at once, and to seem like an asshole so she would just let go....I wish like hell I hadn't done that to her, and I will apologize when I get that golden chance I so crave.

I'm only going to date good women from now on. No more second chances or excuses. No more incompatible companions. I'll only see women who are as smart as I am, who have experience at life and love and know what they feel inside themselves. Women who know the dance. Yes, good women need only apply here... :)

Yes, I read your blog....

Yes, I read your blog....you know I do. I haven't forgotten you, Babe, I just can't forget a love that true. sure, I been peepin in on you, reading your poems, wishing for so much more. Wondering how you are really REALLY doing there, and wishing that we could connect again. *sigh* But I know you got to protect yourself, and I didn't do a good job the last time.

I wish I had made a different choice, I wish that I hadn't done what I did...with all my heart I wish this. But we make mistakes, and I made a big ass mistake by leaving you. I got scared, I ran. I let myself get influenced by others, I told myself - and you - a big fat lie. But I truly wish it had never happened, cuz you were my one true love in this life. If only....

How could I forget your hair, your skin, that laugh and those eyes? I keep locked in my mind the memories of your smell, your taste, the feel of being with you, in you, that way you looked at me and melted my heart over and over again. No one ever made me feel the way you did. No one ever had the love from me that you still have.

My life was upside down at the time...I got scared about the way I felt so deep for you, and how I fell sooo hard, and about your kid (ashamedly). The incidents with her frightened me, I tried not to show it, but then I just freaked. I used it as an excuse to run, to leave you and tell you a lie...I wasn't really seeing someone else - it was YOU all along, but I just plain ass got scared.

I guess you are happy now...at least I really do hope that you are.....but still I wish that you and I had really given it the go that we had planned....damn stupidity. *sigh*