Saturday, January 16, 2010

When Butches Cry...

When butches cry
They weep, they wail
They gnash their teeth
and moan.

Stong woman's pain
It's just the same
Except it's mostly done

by Bonni Barringer

I just really like this...I find it so freaking true. Alone is always how I've chosen to handle my hardships; my emotions and sentiments. Alone I came into this world, and alone I walk my walk every damned day. And I'm okay with that really, it's not so bad. I enjoy being alone, if I can't be with that one woman that I gave my heart to completely then I am okay with just going it alone. I chose this path, I ran in fear, I hid in a lie and thus I deserve to go it alone, right?

They say that mistakes are the universe's spankings for getting it wrong. And the pain that goes with a mistake is the universe's way of saying don't do it again.

So now I sit here, almost a year and a half later and it's no easier than that day I spewed the fucked up lie to her and crushed our love. I still miss her every damned day. I wish I hadn't told her the lie, or acted so stupidly. I really wanted nothing more than her love and devotion....but I got fucking scared and I bolted. I made up a story about seeing someone else...well, there was someone else eventually, but not the way I laid it out to her or her friends...I don't know why I needed her to hate me so at that moment, perhaps so she could let go and go back to her security spot, where I knew she would be safe and secure. Dammit, I should have sucked up my fears and married that woman.

I sit in this little cottage on the coast of Maine...I dream of her and how she would have liked it here, near the ocean; the beaches and their vast expanse. She talked about wanting to live one day in a place like this...I only wish it were her here sharing these moments by the fire with me. Instead I choose to sit alone, not answering the phone, not reaching for anyone anymore. I push away the advances of others who want to fill "her" spot, not wanting to get to close to anyone ever again, lest she decide to let me back in one day....*sigh*

Did you ever do something so so so stupid that you just end up kicking yourself in the head daily forever? That's what I did. And God help me, I only wish I could have 15 minutes to talk to her and let her know that I still love her so deeply, and I just wish for another chance to prove it to her. I have such a difficult time just letting go of the feelings that I still have for her; those strong passionate gut sensations that slam me every time I see her picture looking back at me.

I am guarded who I let know how I feel....perhaps due to the shame of having done what I did. I once wrote her a letter explaining it all...which she promptly returned to me, unopened. The only person who I confided in about this says don't give up, if I love her that much and it was truly as good as I said it was, then keep fighting, keep trying. So I got brave today and sent her a short comment on her blog...I pray she will respond to me.

Life is too long for living in misery, and too short for wasting. I want to fight for what is right; for what felt soooo right in my heart and soul with her. If only I could have one chance...

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