Monday, January 4, 2010

My 2009 Sucked...

2010 starts off with me reflecting on what a crappy year 2009 was for me. I sure am glad it's over and behind me for sure. The biggest issue with 2009 was the girl I was, she really took me for a ride and a half. I had been with her on and off since July 2008, right after I got stupid and let Amy get away....oh, but that's another story altogether, and what a dumb-ass move.

Anyway, this girl - I don't even call her a woman, she's only 22 now and still growing up - really put me through the ringer in so many ways. She was the hardest damned person to make happy in the world. Nothing satisfied her, nothing seemed to please her and she just didn't seem to enjoy life at all. She brought me down, I fought my depression with her terrible. She was depressing! Looking back, now that we are really through, is really eye opening. When she was IN my life I couldn't put my finger on things, but now that I've had some space to reflect and think, I can see exactly what was going on for me, and with her. She was probably one of the most negative people I will ever allow into my life. She had a rough upbringing and it affected her tremendously, and it affects how she treats other people. She doesn't know how to appreciate others, or show them she respects them, or loves them properly. I thought it was me, but I am now seeing it was mostly her issues all along. And talk about a liar....this girl could lie like no other. She perpetuated the relationship with me on lies and it ended in lies. and it's really too bad too, I could have pictured myself settling down with this girl and building a nice life, with many of the things she wanted as well as things I wanted. And I did love her...I admit that, I loved her very much.

But I have to say....I've been through the ringer of love over the last 3 years. I've been through so much related to love and relationships that it could fill a damned book. I left my relationship of 14 years, met the most wonderful woman on earth, fucked that relationship up, and got involved with little miss liar. The whole roller coaster was just not fun. I am still pissed at myself for some of what I did, especially in leaving Miss Utah....she was my one true love in all of this mess. I wish there was some way that God would bring her back into my life...but I am not going to be counting on it. So...on life goes...on love goes....and on I go...

Yeah, 2009 was right in the damned end of this roller coaster ride. Finally in December I had had enough of Miss Liar and sent her on her way back south. I just couldn't take it anymore. The juvenile behavior, the immaturity, the lies and deceit and the low self-confidence that seemingly kept her unemployed and in her pajamas most of the time. The whole damned package stunk like trash. I feel that she used, abused and manipulated me for her own purposes. She didn't know what to do with herself; she didn't seem to know right from wrong sometimes. She definitely didn't know what love, devotion and commitment were about - although she claimed to be some sort of know it all sometimes...but weren't we all like that as young 20 somethings? I just have to laugh, because I know that we were. We thought we had the world by the ass and that we knew least until we turned mid-twenties and realized that we were wrong and we had much, much to learn.

I busted my ass in 2009 to make sure things were paid for, that we had housing - although we did end up moving 3 fucking times - and we had the things we needed and wanted. She worked a total of like 6-8 weeks the whole year....amazing. Yet she could never seem to find it in her heart to be appreciative of what I did for us, for her, to keep us afloat. I think it was only because she had no where else to turn for help that she came back here (from Florida) the last time she took off. She needed help making her car payments and her insurance and she needed a place to live and loaf around, so she came back to me because she knew I loved her and would make her comfortable. I was stupid to do what I did, going to Florida to drive back here with her. I thought she wanted to be with me, but then I hear "no I'm not sure what I want"...and she starts talking to the Florida chick again, and things just fall apart from there. Yeah, she was a real piece of work, she was.

I am happy to be rid of her now. Things are much easier on me. I can take care of myself. She had to move back to her parents....which is just fucking sad. She's a grown woman and should grow up and realize it. She needs to learn - or teach herself - about obligation and responsibility. She left me with debts, and thinks that she owes me nothing. I have written it off, chalked it up to experience and I know she'll never acknowledge that she owes me anything. I just have to understand that I got used and walked on, that she was too young to give me the love of a woman, and that she's too confused in herself and her own identity to give herself fully to another person in any relationship. It wasn't my fault, I did what I could do, she just wasn't the right woman for me.

Life in 2010 shall be much better. I learned lessons in '09 that will make '10 a breeze. I'll have more fun, I'll have more laughter, more love and more of everything if I just focus on me for a change. Sure, there's another woman interested in me, but I don't want to dive into anything - especially a new committed relationship - with anyone right now. I need to spend the time to myself and get to know myself again - without a girlfriend. And the freedom that not having a full time girlfriend brings is really refreshing. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want and no one can bitch!

I'm going to spend a lot more time writing. A lot more time riding my motorcycle and exploring the countryside. I would love to reconnect with some people, perhaps Miss Utah will find it in her heart this year to contact me and let me explain what happened for me that I had to leave her like I did. I never did tell her the real story, or any of the truth. I did it that way to just let her get through the hurt all at once, and to seem like an asshole so she would just let go....I wish like hell I hadn't done that to her, and I will apologize when I get that golden chance I so crave.

I'm only going to date good women from now on. No more second chances or excuses. No more incompatible companions. I'll only see women who are as smart as I am, who have experience at life and love and know what they feel inside themselves. Women who know the dance. Yes, good women need only apply here... :)

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